Losing Oneself
by Hitsugi-chan
Summary: When tempers run high confrontation is bound to occur. What happens when the captain and his first officer can no longer contain their emotions? The path to discovering that their friendship will truly define them both will be long and painful. T for now but may change later.


**A/N This is my first Star Trek fic, let me know what you think... criticism is welcome :) I tried my best to stay true to the characters please let me know if I have succeeded in this. **

Spock closed his eyes trying to enter a brief meditative state in order to able to build the walls that held in his emotion once more but he couldn't. They were bubbling to the surface and he knew he would not be able to control himself. "Captain it would be wise to desist from your current actions" he told him his voice wavering only slightly.

Jim ignored him continuing to yell at him. He wasn't actually mad at Spock, just angry in general. He usually wasn't an angry person but tensions were running high due to their prolonged proximity to one another. Spock hadn't really done anything wrong nor did he break any rules. All he did was mention that Jim being illogical, that was all it took to set him off. Kirk had managed to calmly drag his commander into a private room before he exploded. Once they were alone he unleashed every bit of anger he had on Spock and it wasn't pretty.

Spock's anger to the situation, while illogical, had turned into rage. He tried to quell it to no avail "Captain" He said voice shaking when Kirk didn't stop he tried again "Captain" he said louder some of his anger penetrating his barrier. Still Kirk didn't stop and Spock could not hold back his anger any longer. Spock grabbed Jim by the throat pinning him to the wall behind him.

Jim froze and stopped speaking immediately. He looked into Spock's eyes and saw the rage that was permeating his usually passive face. A slight groan tore from his lips as the Vulcan standing before his threatened to crush his windpipe. Instead of struggling Jim relaxed his body, pushing his own anger aside Jim felt the edge of another anger creeping up on him coming from where Spock's hand was squeezing the life from him.

Spock was speaking to him but it certainly wasn't in English, Vulcan he assumed. Jim could hear the rage in his voice but that was all he could distinguish. "Spock" he tried to say but the words weren't coming out, he wasn't getting any air. His vision was growing fuzzy and he could feel the darkness try to pull him under. He reached out his hand to Spock slowly but the commander just pinned it to the wall beside his head. He knew there wasn't much time before he would fall unconscious and while he trusted his commander with his life he didn't want it to get that close. The darkness was keeping into his sight and it was nearly impossible for him not to struggle against his first officer. Slowly he moved his other hand placing it on Spock's heart making the Vulcan hand sign.

Spock's logic kicked its way to the surface at this seemly innocent gesture. Spock looked into the captains eyes and as his took in the situation presently occurring he could not help but feel shame at his actions. Spock quickly released his captain as he realized what was happening catching him as Jim fell over on the verge of unconsciousness. Spock gently helped the captain to a sitting position.

Kirk was coughing as the sudden return of air in his lungs was a shock to his body. He listened to Spock mummer still in Vulcan he sounded sad, Kirk knew him well enough to see the beginnings of guilt on his face. "Spock" he said causing the commander to look at him. His voice was deep and raspy from what just happened. "English…Please. I have barely understood a thing you said since we came in here" he said still hoarse.

"Captain I am no longer fit for duty" Spock said slowly, refusing to meet the captain's gaze.

"Listen tempers are running high and I realize that I had a huge part in what just happened. Let's not go throwing around nasty words like unfit" Kirk smirked.

"I attacked a superior officer in anger. I have been emotionally compromised I resign from duty and can offer suggestions of a replacement at your request" Spock said regaining control of his emotions.

"That wasn't anger, I have dealt with anger that was straight up rage. Still, I decline your request for resignation" Jim stated as he stood up, shakily trying his best to put on his captain voice.

Spock looked at him confused. He had almost killed his captain, why would Jim still allow him to be first officer? Certainly his actions had caused Jim to mistrust him.

Jim rolled his eyes realizing that Spock needed more information for his brain to compute the situation logically. "I need some advice Spock, I find myself somewhat angry the past few days, I have been trying to bury it because I know that I have no reason for feeling this way. Today I have found myself yelling at people for little reason, most recently my first officer. Based on this information do you think I should step down because my anger could impede my judgment" Jim asked the commander.

Spock considered his line of thought for a moment "No there are many other things that need to be taken into consideration. You are the captain of the USS Enterprise and her crew would never be better off without you" he stated sure of himself.

Jim smiled briefly giving Spock a nod. "And you are my first officer and I could never be better off without you" the captain said patting him on back hoping that Spock would understand.

Spock's eyes widened for the briefest of seconds "How could you have me as your commander I almost killed you, I betrayed every trust you have ever put in me" Spock questioned trying not to look disappointed.

Jim caught Spock eyes as he looked away "Spock" he sighed briefly "I have and always will trust you with my life. Why do you think I didn't fight back? You have seen me in similar situations, have I once just stood there and took it… No I haven't. I will always fight to my last breath but deep down even in your deepest rage I do not believe you would actually kill me. Besides that it's okay to have emotions it is only human. I will never think differently of you because you feel" Jim said about to walk out but when he turned back to Spock he saw something in his eyes.

"Speak your mind Spock" he said, seeing the hesitation in the Vulcan's eyes he added "it's only logical."

"I am Vulcan sir and I have strived to purge all emotion. Calling someone Human or emotional is a great insult of my people" he started.

Kirk interrupted "Listen you may be Vulcan but you are also Human and because of that you are better than all of them. I wouldn't have you any other way and if anyone feels otherwise they can get the fuck off this ship"

"Captain" Spock questioned shocked by the protectiveness his captain had for him.

"Just don't try to be anything other than what you are, okay?"

"Affirmative" Spock nodded.


End file.
